Tag Archives: baby

Baby Krakatoa

by Eli Stratus

My daughter was about 15 months old. In the middle of the night, she woke me up, fussing because she had pooped. In my sleep-deprived daze, I went to change her diaper. I took her out of her crib and put her on the changing table. That’s when I noticed that this was no ordinary poop; this was a poop explosion. The poop had leaked out of the diaper, and it was all over her pajamas and the changing table. I had poop all over my arms, too. She was going to need a bath.

As any parent will tell you, we are trained not to leave a child on the changing table, but I needed help. I put her on the floor to wake my husband, Fred, to help me.

She promptly pooped again on the carpet.

20 minutes later, we were all cleaned up. The washing machine was taking care of the sheets and changing table cover. The carpet, on the other hand, was nasty.

It was only a cheapo remnant, easier to replace than clean. I rolled it up, poop and all, and took it to the curb. Just before we drifted off to sleep, Fred said he didn’t think the trash truck would take it. Trash day was that morning.

When I woke up, Fred told me we didn’t need to worry if the trash truck would pick it up. Someone drove by in the middle of the night and took the carpet.

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Parenting: a conversation

WIFE: Okay, my husband Karl will swear this is not true but it totally is… When our son Jason was very little and Karl stayed home with him during the days, Karl would often put Jason in the swing while doing chores or studying. One time, he looked over at Jason and saw he was covered in chocolate. He went over, stuck his finger in to taste, only to find out that it was not chocolate but diarrhea. I think it’s so traumatic that he has repressed the memory into his unconsciousness. I, however, think it’s hysterical, especially given how meticulous and germ-phobic Karl is.

COLLECTED POOP STORIES: I am thinking I would have known it wasn’t chocolate when my finger got about eighteen inches from my nose.

WIFE: Me, too! But Jason got a little older before the smell got really bad. And, I’m sure Karl was probably thinking about something else at the same time.

CPS: Wait. So he didn’t taste it. He just touched it.

WIFE: Oh, no. He tasted it. Definitely.

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